Can I tell you a secret? I think sometimes I’m heavy not so much because of the poor food choices I make and the need for more regular exercise, but because of all of the hurt I carry. I wish I could let go of what I hold onto. I wish I didn’t let past pain still creep up like a loud secret that holds me hostage. I do though and it does.
Lately I’ve taken a long hard look at the people in my life. I’ve looked at how they’ve acted and how I have as well and sometimes I didn’t like what I saw.
It’s time to let go.
It’s hard to let go.
You know, on the way to work today, rethinking a meditation I do regularly I discovered something. Normally, in this particular meditation, it asks you what you want for your life. Awkwardly I ask for a few things always keeping the requests in bounds.
I want a good life. Why not wonderful?
I want to feel good. Why not amazing?
I want to pay off my bills? Why not have enough money to retire now and go out there and see the world?
I’ll tell you why. It’s because I don’t think I deserve it. Why be so selfish as to ask for grandeur when I could just get by? What right do I have to declare my worth as something substantial? The real question though is this, do I not think I deserve it therefore I have people in my life who treat me as less than or, do people treat me as less than so I don’t feel worthy?
I think it may be a little of both.
Over the past few years I’ve felt so let down by friends. I’ve beaten the hell out of myself for it. I’ve looked in every corner of my mind to figure out what I’ve done and have blamed myself even though I found nothing of note there. I can’t keep doing that. It makes me too sad. I want so badly to belong somewhere though, I accept being treated poorly just to have something.
Tonight, just like last night I sat quietly thinking about where I stood with people. Why did it take me so long though to look at where they stood with me?
I am a wonderful person.
I have a generous heart.
I am not perfect but am willing to always listen if I’ve upset someone or they disagree with me.
And I think as far as friendship is concerned I am one hell of a catch.
It’s time to let go of people who don’t see that.
It’s time to let go of the pain and the loneliness.
I think it will open up my life…make room for wonderful things and I’m ready for that Chrissy. I am, I’m ready.