I am at what I hope is the bottom of a spiral staircase. It’s familiar but unpleasant. For the past three days I have been home with something like the flu. I have all sorts of medicine prescribed and am waiting on a call from the doc for a decongestant to round out what is hopefully a magic healing regimen combo.
As you can imagine, staying home for three days, only a few months into a new job, has my ulcer working overtime. I have beaten myself up six ways to Sunday and not just about work. No sir. If there is ever a chance for me to take a swing at myself while I have the bat in my hand, I more often than not, take it. Why should this time be any different?
I believe this is called self-loathing and I am in the midst of becoming the captain of the Olympic team.
Left at home with my mind to wander I think about so many things. I think of things I’ve done which I question. I think of things I didn’t do which I question. I wonder if I should even write this. How many people will think I’m just looking for attention or that I need to lighten up? And, that you see is one of my biggest issues, what other people think.
Do you know that some of the only times in my life when I’ve done exactly what I’ve wanted and felt that strong sense of grounding in my own life, I end up questioning it. For a girl who normally does whatever pleases others, it feels awfully lonely to go against the crowd. Should it? Does it get easier, does it feel better when you get used to doing it because right now I feel ill at ease and I don’t like it.
Some days I miss some of the people I used to work with terribly. I feel like there has been such a distance between us.
Some days I wish that I was more outgoing. I rarely go out. I wish I did but sometimes that self-conscious thing becomes almost crushing and I don’t know how to let go and have fun.
Some days I feel like a loser. I feel like I coulda shoulda woulda. I wonder if I’ve made enough of my life. I wonder if people like me. I wonder if other people wonder if people like them.
See, I told you, self-loathing gold medal right here.
I imagine that most folks have a low day every now and again. It’s gotta be natural. I just wish that when I did, I could remember the advice that I’ve given to other people about being happy in their own skin. You’re really the only person that should matter when it comes to determining whether you are happy or a success or any other thing you happen to wonder about.
I guess that some days I wish that someone would sit down with me and tell me that whatever I feel, no matter how strange it seems to me, no matter how I question it, is ok.
I think for now, as my mind wanders, I’ll try to steer it in the direction of a happy place. I mean if your thoughts are going to constantly tumble one over the other, why not be about wonderful stuff. Why does it always need to be the Cons side of the column, right? I am planning a wedding after all.
Anyway, forgive me this tale of woe on a Friday. I blame it on the fever. I think that sometimes you need to work your way through the woe to get to the good stuff. If that is actually true, there has got to be a big pile of amazing waiting for me. Until then, I’ll try to keep my inner Charlie Brown at bay and focus on the bright side…if I can find it…inside my enormous dark cave of crabbiness. Do you hear that, it’s the National Anthem. I’ve gotta go. They need me on the tall podium. I just clinched the self- loathing gold. USA, USA.
PLEASE NOTE – I just proofread what I wrote and man, what a bummer. I’m on the sad train to sorry town. I promise, I’ll get over it and move on and lift my spirits and yada yada yada. Until then, let’s take a look at a few of my favorite things to remind myself of the good stuff and that when I’m not throwing a pity party for myself, I’m a pretty happy chick.