Today I walked into the venue where I’ll be married in less than three months and I discussed flowers. Roses, lilies, hydrangea, they were all a part of the discussion. I had a notebook with me where I had kept a number of pictures I printed from one website or another showing an example of something that had caught my eye. I think for the person on the other side of the desk I was simply another client on the roster with a few questions. My side of the desk however housed something completely different. I was awestruck.
I’m getting married.
I am getting married.
It’s something that is almost beyond my comprehension.
It’s almost like someone who eats vanilla ice cream their whole lives and then discovers chocolate. It changes the entire dynamic of ice cream. My getting married, my finding Scott, has changed the entire dynamic of what I thought was the norm for my life.
I know that this may sound ridiculous but when I imagine my dress changing the pattern of rose petals lying on my path as I make my way up the aisle I feel like crying. It feels like wonder to me. It feels like that moment when you find yourself believing in the magic of what the world is capable of. It is that big for me. And I am in love with it.
I have known few things for sure in my lifetime. My parents love me. Perfume makes me feel beautiful. An ice cream cone on the Jersey Boardwalk is the definition of a summer day and one of my fondest memories of childhood with my Grandparents and I am safe and loved and happy with Scott. I belong with him. He makes my life full. I feel like I have a safety net and at the same time, someone who is holding my hands as my feet dangle while we sway on a trapeze. He is both. I never knew that someone could give me both or could be both but he did and he is and I think I’m the same for him.
I’m not sure if all women have this moment? I hope they do. I hope every man does as well. I hope that there are people who feel as though they are suspended in time as they look around and realize that they are, at that very moment, standing in a dream that they made for themselves. I hope they understand that. I hope they breathe it in until they can’t take in any more air. I hope they feel it on every single inch of their body. I hope they love and feel love for as long as they live and I hope they live for at least as far as their mind can imagine. That’s how wonderful today felt. That moment when I stopped myself and realized that I was picking out flowers for my very own wedding. That dream that I had lost sight of, that life that I had accepted with men who gave me whatever part of themselves they had left after they did what they really wanted with their time and effort, it was over. It was left in the past. And for once, I didn’t stay there with it. I moved through it. I moved out of it. I moved away from it and I found something different. I found where I belong.