The Five Year Lesson

I have been writing here for five years today.

Five years.

37, 164 views.

370 posts (including this one).

81 categories.

2600 tags.

299 followers.

How badass is that.

I am simply amazed.

This has been the perfect weekend.  The weather has been gorgeous and the sun has been bright.  Sitting down right now to possibly write something I had no idea it was my blogging anniversary.  I saw the little icon up on the menu bar and almost didn’t click on it.  I figured if it was something I needed to know I would have gotten an email notification.  Truthfully, even if one did come through, I check my email about as often as I brush up on quantum physics so, I might have missed it.

Note to self: Pay more attention.

Wait! Additional note to self: Pay attention when you absolutely have to and/or when it’s important to you or someone you love.

Ok, deal.

Blogging for me has been about lessons.  Some of them have been difficult to learn and some have been taught so often it would seem I’d need twenty tutors to get the point.  And then there were the lightbulb moments.  I would say with absolute certainty that the most recent lesson I’ve encountered and maybe one of the most profound has been as bright as a replacement bulb for the sun.  Who knew that two words would define what my issue has been for years.  Those words, do it.

If you’ll humor me for a minute, my last post was another in a series where I detailed the struggle I was facing about when and what to write about.  My husband and I had a talk after I read him what I intended to post and in as supportive a way possible he explained that although it was well written he had heard it from me before.  I knew what he meant.  Even as I read it, it felt stale and I felt so stuck.  As cheesy as this may seem, the whole event had me do some serious soul searching and as I tried to make heads or tales of what it was that made me tick, it happened.  I got it.  And I’m not talking just for the sake of having something to write about.  No.  I got it.  Like change my life.  This is it.  Why didn’t I get it before as I’m sure others have told me in any number of ways, got it.

You see, I’m a world class planner.  I’m going to reorganize and clean out my files and then I’ll feel better.  I’m going to go through all of my clothing – every single solitary thing I own and get rid of half of it so things aren’t stuffed to the gills…and then I’ll feel better.  I’m going to clean out the trunk of my car, scrub the fridge, juice every Monday, buy a ton of vegetables, get bins to organize my shoes, clear out space on the bookshelf….and then I’ll feel better.  You know, most of the time I wasn’t even sure if feeling better was the focus.  I think I just wanted to have a plan or maybe something to beat myself up about.  Perhaps I was just dangling a carrot in front of my own nose.  The plan to do something that would get me to a place I thought I needed to be felt hopeful.  Kind of.  Maybe.  Get this though – it wasn’t until this past week when I discovered that I have spent the majority of my life putting together a plan to get my act together.

No, I’m serious.

I’ll get healthy.  I’ll get thinner.  I’ll play piano.  I’ll learn guitar.  I’ll buy a fitbit.  I’ll have a baby.  I’ll craft.  I’ll learn to cook.  I’ll throw a party.  I’ll go to more parties.  I’ll start a book club.  I’ll volunteer.  I’ll read more.  I’ll reach out more.  I’ll do more.  I’ll make a difference.  I’ll get out of my comfort zone. I’ll go back to college.  I’ll get out of my box.  I’ll travel.  I’ll get out of my own way.  I’ll do it.  I’ll do more.  I’ll make it work. I’ll be better.  I’ll be what you want.  I’ll be what I want.  I’ll succeed in spite of myself! I’ll love myself and take her on a journey that will garner such personal growth I’ll wonder why I hadn’t done it sooner!

The thing is though I never did anything…well, not much it seems.  I talked a good game.  There was always something in the way though.  Life was busy.  I was tired.  I was unsure.  I felt really sick.  The panic was too great.  I was too lazy.  It felt selfish.  It didn’t jive with others.  I didn’t know which thing I wanted to do and I didn’t want to dedicate myself to anything in case it wasn’t the right thing and then I’d end up feeling like I failed….again.

So I sat still.

I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

I mean, I was frustrated with myself.

I got on my own nerves.

I felt tremendously disappointed here and there.

I never understood though that I just wasn’t getting shit done.  No sir.  Instead I would regroup and make another plan which I wouldn’t fully implement.  I was stuck on a wheel for so long I would have needed ten pairs of sneaks to cycle through.

Ok, so now what?

Move.

That’s it?

Yep, that’s it.

This weekend, I went out with new and old friends.  I got back to walking and have circled the track some sixteen times.  I’ve put my fitbit on.  I’ve met someone who will teach me how to sew which I’ve been looking into as part of the plan for at least three years.  I feel whole.  I’m not entirely sure why but it’s almost as if I’ve given myself permission to live.  No more worrying about everyone and everything and what people think and how I don’t measure up.  No more worrying about everyone’s feelings.  No more turning myself inside out to find my path.  I’m on it.  I’m fucking on it.  I’ve been on it all along.  And now, I’m going to see what the rest of it looks like.  One foot in front of the other.  I’m giving myself the permission to follow my own lead and to love my life and do what I want and pursue my dreams.  And it feels nice.  It feels so good to be nice to myself.  It feels right to take some action, to get out of my comfort zone and to really live.  It’s time to really live.

Before I sign off I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for the support.

It has been welcomed and appreciated and one of the best things about my little corner here.

You’ve been with me through the ups and the downs and the in between place where I’ve kept us for much too long (or maybe as long as I’ve needed as I believe timing works out the way it should).  Hopefully you’ll keep walking with me.  If not though, don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about my journey right here.  I promise.